January 25, 2011

Laying in bed last night, a thought suddenly occurred to me: could my daughter — my sweet, beautiful daughter — actually be a zombie? This might sound strange to you at first, particularly if you have met her, but hear me out.

Maggie exhibits several potential signs of zombie-hood. This begins with her desire to eat people.

Yes, you read that correctly. Maggie likes to eat people.

If a person is nearby, Maggie attempts to leap at them, headfirst. When successful, she then undertakes chewing on the nearest body part, be it her victim’s finger, chest, or nose.

Additionally, Maggie does not cry as many babies are wont to do. No screaming, no whining. Instead she makes vowel noises at a variety of volumes:

“Aaah.”
“Aaaaaah!”
“AAAAAAAAH!”

As a loving parent, I am inclined to believe that these are early attempts at communication. But what if these are just zombie moans coming from a Very Tiny Zombie? What if she really means “Braaaaaains!”?

This ought to be a serious concern.

Of course, there is no need to take any action against this potential zombie menace. Luckily for us — and the world — Maggie makes for a pretty poor zombie at present. She cannot yet crawl (nevermind walk or lurch), and even when she does manage to reach her target, she lacks teeth with which to devour them.

We will, of course, endeavour to determine the extent of her potential zombiism before she develops the ability to spread her curse to others.

That said, if the zombie apocalypse arrives and it has originated in east London, the following advice may save your life:

• Zombies are distracted by rabbits (and giraffes)
• Zombies find warm breast milk to be an acceptable substitute for brains

As I am likely to be the first casualty of such an apocalypse, you can thank me now.

Photo of Maggie at the top of the article is by Mr. Topp, and can be seen larger here.
Illustration at the end of the article is by Christopher Uminga, and was found at Pulp Factor.