The past couple of years, when November rolled around, you would start to see pictures of me like this:

This would be your Mr. Topp, participating in Movember. That happy time when men all over the world grow a mustache to raise money and awareness of prostate and testicular cancer.

This year, I have opted not to participate; it seems a waste of time to me.

Everybody does it

A big part of the reason why is that everybody participates. When November rolls around, I am treated to a Facebook and Twitter (and Tumblr and RSS feeds …) full of photographs of gentlemen gradually growing a mustache. And women, too, wearing false mustaches.

Not because they are trying to raise money or awareness for cancer, for the most part. But because they are participating in Movember. Movember is cool.

This year, they even put a mustache on Big Ben to start the festivities. Look at it:

If everybody knows a couple dozen people participating, that seriously draws down the amount any one person can raise. My non-participation is not going to affect the amount raised, just who raises it — those people who would have given to me will instead give to one of the many, many other participants. Just as some who would have donated to my mustache last year did not because they had already donated to another’s.

It’s too easy

Beyond the mass of people doing it, it is an essentially a lazy activity, growing a mustache. All it takes is to not shave the upper lip. Built in with a high-profile excuse (“it’s Movember!”) to tell your boss/girlfriend/customer, it’s the lazy man’s approach to charity. Compare to people who donate their time to charity, or who run marathons to raise money — these people work and deserve support.

People recognise this, and give less. And the lazy nature of the charity drive does not lead those participating to try to raise more — too many are simply doing it because Movember is cool.

So how much money is raised?

£22 million last year, according to the Independent. But that’s with over a quarter million raising money, making it less than £100 per person. Compare to the London Marathon, where most participants are raising (at least) ten times that much money. Participating in smaller events also raises significantly more per head — for example, by running the Bath Half Marathon, Karen raised £500 with little trouble (and a lot of work).

While £22 million sounds like a lot of money – is a lot of money – it pales in comparison to how much could be done by a quarter million people who were actually investing time and effort in something. Nevermind the half million more who probably “participated”, but did not bother to raise any money at all.

So this year, I am spending November with a hair-free upper lip, and thinking of making an effort. This blogger would rather make a real difference than sport a mustache.

Here at the Big Bad Blog, we like to do a little bit called you ask, we answer, where we take questions people have asked their search engines that led them to the Big Bad Blog, and try to provide the answer.

I even have a reminder telling me to post one of these every few weeks. I tend to ignore my reminder.

But not today. It’s the end of 2011, and we’re gonna answer the questions suggested by the most popular searches of the year!

Magnets, how do they work?

Despite the popularity of the Fucking magnets, how do they work? meme, and the existence of a website titled How Magnets Work, people asking this question still manage to find my blog.

Presumably because this photo is somehow near the top of the Google’s image search for the question.

To answer the question, we refer back to Battle of the Magnets, and will allow Dr. Feynman to refuse to answer the question.

We need you

Aw, thanks. We need you too.

(Actually we don’t need you. We’d keep on writing all this stuff anyways, and just feel a little sad when it came time to write about which Big Bad Blog articles were most popular, and discovered the answer was “none of them.”)

Do you happen to have a picture of a cat with a mustache?

In fact, we do! From the morning coffee and the mustache cat:

I’m thinking of getting a tattoo, do you have any very bad ideas?

The Big Bad Blog is the place to go if you’re looking for an awful tattoo concept.

Our vote for the worst tattoo comes from the article Tattoos: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, which is one of the most popular Big Bad Blog articles of all time. We suggest that, if you’re looking for a bad tattoo idea, you can’t get much worse than this:

There are plenty more ideas at the latest in tattoo insanity. And if you’re super desperate, you can check out all the Big Bad Blog articles that have been tagged as containing bad tattoos.

Do you have any photos of a naked Felicia Day to share?

The most common reason for a person to arrive at the Big Bad Blog (due to search engine) is the eternal, unsuccessful search for Miss Felicia Day‘s uncovered flesh.

We are sorry to disappoint you, dear reader, but said flesh cannot be found at the Big Bad Blog. This will continue to be the case until Miss Day personally delivers such photos in an envelope, requesting they be published in this space, at which time we will be forced to comply with her wishes.

In the meantime, you will have to settle for BoneCraft.

It’s four in the morning, the end of Movember
I’m writing you now just to see if you’ll give here
London is cold, but I like where I’m living
And my top lip’s still warm all through the evening.

I had big plans to rewrite the entirety of Leonard Cohen’s Famous Blue Raincoat in a mustache-themed Weird Al parody to finish the month.

Alas, not all plans pan out. We got you going with the first verse (above). Please continue in the comments.

And donate! This ‘tache is not just for you.

We have reached the 25th of November, and as promised I have styled my mustache in the manner that has attracted the most money to my fundraising:

The American Standard

It was a narrow win for the American Standard, which was locked in a dead heat with the dastardly Snidely Whiplash. While tied for cash contributions, the Standard had a plethora of advantages:

• The donors for the Whiplash did not use my MoSpace, making it seem a bit unseemly for the Snidely to overtake the Standard.
• American Standard money was donated by UK taxpayers, meaning that “gift aid” ought to have been added, and the amount raised by the style is actually larger than that raised by the Whiplash.
• The Standard was sponsored by Karen, who must live with the end product.

Those who suggested other awesome styles — you should have put your money where your mouth is!

In unfortunate (but related) news, our reason for choosing today as our deadline is no more. The deadline was chosen due to the scheduling of London’s Movember Gala Party, being held this evening in beautiful Battersea.

Alas, the fates have intervened in the form of the dreaded ear-infection-in-small-child. So rather than wow-ing other, less hirsute Mo Bros in Battersea, my mustache instead battles the dreaded burst eardrum, using a mix of drops, Calpol and Amoxicillin. I suppose it’s a proper Dad-’stache.

But never fear! The mighty mustache has reared its head, and while it might be engaged in less stylish activities than previously planned, it still fights cancer.

And November isn’t over, so it’s not too late to donate. Just click the link, support the ‘tache, and fight some cancer.