Welcome to Monday, people. In an effort to brighten the start of your week, today the morning coffee brings you SEX.

First — is there an evolutionary excuse for the 30-year-old living in his parents’ basement? Perhaps. Some birds exhibit cooperative breeding, in which the children remain in the nest to help the parents raise more offspring.

Of course, for this to work in humans, that 30-year-old’s parents best be gettin’ busy.

(A sex technique we do not recommend — the screwdriver penile insertion. From Very Demotivational.)

Want to have more sex? Apparently you need to do more chores. All parents of teenage boys should print that article up and stick it to the fridge.

Where would a Morning Coffee about sex be without some porn? Nowhere, we say. So we present to you Roger Ebert reviewing pornographic films. You’re welcome.