Mr. Topp and the Big Bad Blog

Normally “you ask, we answer” looks at questions found in search terms. Not today.

Instead, a friend has asked some zombie-related questions.

We answer.

What is your favourite zombie movie and why?
A difficult, difficult question. And I might give a different answer on a different day.

Night of the Living Dead is, of course, the gold standard of zombie movies. It is easily the best zombie movie out there.

However, Shaun Of The Dead is more fun. It is well made, hilarious, and — of course — full of zombies.

But the question is not about which movie is best, or which is the most fun to watch. No — it is favourite. And the leader on “favourite” has to be Re-Animator. A movie so bad, it’s good.

What is the worst zombie movie? Why should we avoid it?
This question is much easier to answer: Re-Penetrator. A pornographic remake of Re-Animator, it is simply awful.

As for why you should avoid it … it is zombie porn.

What is your favourite zombie killing weapon of choice? Why?
My zombie killing weapon of choice is the sawed-off shotgun. There is just something beautiful and magical about zombie fighting scenes with sawed-off shotguns.

What was the first zombie movie you ever saw? Is it what hooked you on all things zombie?
I can’t remember. And no. Whatever that first zombie movie was, it certainly did not get me hooked. I did not care much for zombie movies until I was in University.

Do you have some kind of zombie escape/preparation plan prepared? If so what is it?
No, I don’t. The problem is that zombies are not real. So having plan seems foolish. I should plan on more probable scenarios, like an invasion of mutant spider monkeys from Mars.

If you were making a zombie movie who would be in your ideal cast?
I have made a zombie movie — well, been in one, anyways. I’m pretty proud of it.

If you were writing a zombie movie what scene/stuff would you absolutely put in the script?
I think there needs to be a good base-jumping scene in a zombie movie. And also a zombie movie set on a submarine. These probably would not be the same movie.

If there were a zombie movie being filmed near you would you volunteer to be a zombie? Would it be worth getting covered in corn syrup/fake blood and going through make up to be in the movie?
Absolutely. Participating in the making of small films is quite exciting. It would be good to participate in a big one up close — I already feel a bit foolish about procrastinating my way out of an opportunity to be in Pirates of the Caribbean IV. Which, by the way, we are hoping finds itself with the subtitle “A New Hope”.

Joining in the “you ask, we answer” fun is now easier — as Mr. Topp can now be found on formspring! Interesting questions will make it here.

Photograph by Rachel Cobcroft

Since the theme of the Big Bad Blog this week seems to be to pick on Facebook, we do not see why we should let up just because it is Wednesday.

Regular denizens of the Internet have likely seen this photo in the past:

That photo, for the record, is of pop star Kylie Minogue, holding a teddy bear after a concert in London. The hand holding the microphone is in an unfortunate location, giving the impression that said teddy bear is well endowed and being pleasured by Ms. Minogue.

All of which, of course, has made the image into an Internet sensation. So much so that we here at the Big Bad Blog are not even going to attempt to attribute it. It is now simply a part of the Internet.

The website Tabloid Prodigy claims that Facebook removed the above photo from a user’s account, and gave the following reason for the removal:

We do not allow photos that contain nudity, drug use or violence.

Clearly a good decision, Facebook.

1. Nudity. That bear is clearly NOT wearing pants.
2. Drug Use. A bear, pantless, on stage with Kylie Minogue in London? Must be stoned.
3. Violence. There is no other reason available to explain how a plush bear’s penis would look like a microphone.

Well done, Facebook.

Thank you for keeping your site safe for the children.

Welcome to Monday, people. In an effort to brighten the start of your week, today the morning coffee brings you SEX.

First — is there an evolutionary excuse for the 30-year-old living in his parents’ basement? Perhaps. Some birds exhibit cooperative breeding, in which the children remain in the nest to help the parents raise more offspring.

Of course, for this to work in humans, that 30-year-old’s parents best be gettin’ busy.

(A sex technique we do not recommend — the screwdriver penile insertion. From Very Demotivational.)

Want to have more sex? Apparently you need to do more chores. All parents of teenage boys should print that article up and stick it to the fridge.

Where would a Morning Coffee about sex be without some porn? Nowhere, we say. So we present to you Roger Ebert reviewing pornographic films. You’re welcome.

Strippers? Pornography? This morning coffee is going to be popular with the search engines.

We begin with pornography. Lyndsey G shares her thoughts about the impact of pornography on our sex lives. It is a fantastic look at how our environment shapes our expectations, and face-coating climaxes. Here’s a particularly fantastic excerpt:

As recently as the ’80s and early ’90s, facials weren’t all that common, but to look at porn today you’d think some Porn Pope had issued a Pop-Shot Bull decreeing that facials were the only proper type of cumshot and must be used in Blue Films unto boredom.

(Solar powered airplane Solar Impulse in flight, piloted by Andre Borschberg. Photo by Fabrice Coffrini. Found at The Big Picture.)

Churchgoers picketing a strip club? Not morning coffee material. Strippers responding by picketing a church? That gets our attention.

Finally, the science of baby names … or at least baby initials. If they spell something good, your child will live longer. Spell something bad, there may be an early death. So avoid baby UGH, and go for baby ACE.