This morning coffee pleasures itself

You have read the title, and likely already guessed it. This is hump day, and today we are all about the sex. More particularly, masturbation. Most particularly, those objects that individuals often use to self-pleasure.

That’s right. Sex toys. Quite probably not suitable for work.

Before we get to the toys themselves, we’ll talk about nipple clamps and electrocution. Hot, I know.

People should probably avoid attaching clips to their nipples and plugging the other end into an electrical socket. Yes, I am amazed that this needs to be said. But not quite as amazed as that an adult (the guy’s eighteen) who did this to himself is suing his teacher for not informing him it was a bad idea.

Here at the Big Bad Blog, we thought this was something that parents should have taught him as a child, before he ever set foot in a school. And we wonder — do his parents still keep the house childproofed so he cannot electrocute himself at home?

(Zombie Dildos, found via Warren Ellis, amongst others.)

The same people who made the zombie dildos also do other types of dildos. We are most amused by their Cthulu Dildos. Masturbation that will lead to madness.

But what to do with all these dildos? For one woman, the answer is to watch porn. And drive. While using her vibrator. All at the same time. Apparently this is not legal. Hands on the wheel, ladies.

The morning coffee on sex

Welcome to Monday, people. In an effort to brighten the start of your week, today the morning coffee brings you SEX.

First — is there an evolutionary excuse for the 30-year-old living in his parents’ basement? Perhaps. Some birds exhibit cooperative breeding, in which the children remain in the nest to help the parents raise more offspring.

Of course, for this to work in humans, that 30-year-old’s parents best be gettin’ busy.

(A sex technique we do not recommend — the screwdriver penile insertion. From Very Demotivational.)

Want to have more sex? Apparently you need to do more chores. All parents of teenage boys should print that article up and stick it to the fridge.

Where would a Morning Coffee about sex be without some porn? Nowhere, we say. So we present to you Roger Ebert reviewing pornographic films. You’re welcome.

The morning coffee, porn, strippers and church

Strippers? Pornography? This morning coffee is going to be popular with the search engines.

We begin with pornography. Lyndsey G shares her thoughts about the impact of pornography on our sex lives. It is a fantastic look at how our environment shapes our expectations, and face-coating climaxes. Here’s a particularly fantastic excerpt:

As recently as the ’80s and early ’90s, facials weren’t all that common, but to look at porn today you’d think some Porn Pope had issued a Pop-Shot Bull decreeing that facials were the only proper type of cumshot and must be used in Blue Films unto boredom.

(Solar powered airplane Solar Impulse in flight, piloted by Andre Borschberg. Photo by Fabrice Coffrini. Found at The Big Picture.)

Churchgoers picketing a strip club? Not morning coffee material. Strippers responding by picketing a church? That gets our attention.

Finally, the science of baby names … or at least baby initials. If they spell something good, your child will live longer. Spell something bad, there may be an early death. So avoid baby UGH, and go for baby ACE.

You ask, we answer: Sex toys, redux.

The last time we did a you ask, we answer, blow up dolls were on the menu. Apparently we are remaining close to that topic, as recent questions that led random Internet searchers to the Big Bad Blog remain sexual in nature.

In particular, we have had several people who asked the following question:

How to use a sex toy?

The answer this question, of course, is highly dependent on the sex toy in question. However, there are two answers which are usually correct.

Answer 1: Insert the sex toy into the hole you seek to have pleasured. With some sex toys, this is the only step required. Others then require repeated partial removal and re-insertion.

Answer 2: For men, a second type of common sex toy involves inserting your penis into the device. As with answer one, often repeated partial removal and re-insertion is required, but not always.

* Note 1: Some sex toys, apparently, are made to be given to your dog. The Big Bad Blog does not comment on dog sex toys, or the cleaning thereof.

** Note 2: Use of a lubricant is recommended in the above scenarios.

If you have bought a sex toy that does not seem to work with answers one and two (and/or is not meant for your pet), chances are that there is a set of instructions included with said toy. You are advised to read them, and follow them carefully. Or sloppily. The Big Bad Blog will not take responsibility for the results of sloppy sex-toy play.

For that matter, we do not take responsibility for any sex act you perform. That would just be weird. We would not want to be involved in anything weird.

A few more search terms, along the same lines, before we go:

Q: yo cock is huge?
A: Of course.

Q: fuck cat?
A: Sadly, this seems to be the name of an actual pornographic website. We will not link to that. Instead, we will link to a website called Fuck You, Cat, which is awesome.

Q: Predator fancy dress costume?

Q: Nude girl on unicorn?

You’re welcome.