Here at the Big Bad Blog, we like to do a little bit called you ask, we answer, where we take questions people have asked their search engines that led them to the Big Bad Blog, and try to provide the answer.

I even have a reminder telling me to post one of these every few weeks. I tend to ignore my reminder.

But not today. It’s the end of 2011, and we’re gonna answer the questions suggested by the most popular searches of the year!

Magnets, how do they work?

Despite the popularity of the Fucking magnets, how do they work? meme, and the existence of a website titled How Magnets Work, people asking this question still manage to find my blog.

Presumably because this photo is somehow near the top of the Google’s image search for the question.

To answer the question, we refer back to Battle of the Magnets, and will allow Dr. Feynman to refuse to answer the question.

We need you

Aw, thanks. We need you too.

(Actually we don’t need you. We’d keep on writing all this stuff anyways, and just feel a little sad when it came time to write about which Big Bad Blog articles were most popular, and discovered the answer was “none of them.”)

Do you happen to have a picture of a cat with a mustache?

In fact, we do! From the morning coffee and the mustache cat:

I’m thinking of getting a tattoo, do you have any very bad ideas?

The Big Bad Blog is the place to go if you’re looking for an awful tattoo concept.

Our vote for the worst tattoo comes from the article Tattoos: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, which is one of the most popular Big Bad Blog articles of all time. We suggest that, if you’re looking for a bad tattoo idea, you can’t get much worse than this:

There are plenty more ideas at the latest in tattoo insanity. And if you’re super desperate, you can check out all the Big Bad Blog articles that have been tagged as containing bad tattoos.

Do you have any photos of a naked Felicia Day to share?

The most common reason for a person to arrive at the Big Bad Blog (due to search engine) is the eternal, unsuccessful search for Miss Felicia Day‘s uncovered flesh.

We are sorry to disappoint you, dear reader, but said flesh cannot be found at the Big Bad Blog. This will continue to be the case until Miss Day personally delivers such photos in an envelope, requesting they be published in this space, at which time we will be forced to comply with her wishes.

In the meantime, you will have to settle for BoneCraft.

My inbox contained a new e-mail last week. This is not strange.

The e-mail was from Sky — my television and broadband provider. This is not strange, either. They often send me e-mails.

What was strange, though was the bit of marketing that was in the e-mail:

So, to answer Sky’s questions:

Do you know that feeling where you discover something special?

Absolutely. I have discovered many special things during my life. Seeing my daughter for the first time. Falling in love. Moving to London.

These things all invoke very different feelings, but there is a similarity between them. An excitement at the new, at staring at an unknown – an unknowable – future, and knowing that your life is about to be better for it.

Like when you first paused Live TV?

No. Not like that at all. VCRs were around when I was a child — I am uncertain if I have ever had a remote control lacking a pause button.

And is anything on TV actually live any more? We are under the impression that even sporting events had a short tape delay.

Or that sense of anticipation you felt when you discovered that the new series of your favourite show was coming in high definition?

No. Although I am geeky enough to occasionally be excited about a new series, I cannot even fathom being excited by news that it is going to be in HD.

I like HD, mind you, but it really isn’t something worth getting excited over.

That’s The Better Effect

My impression is that you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Dear Sky,

Please immediately fire your entire marketing department, and replace them with … anybody else, really. We cannot imagine that the current department’s replacements could be much worse.

Sincerely,
Mr. Topp

Top image was delivered by Sky to Mr. Topp’s e-mail. It is an actual marketing message to Sky customers.
Bottom image was found at this Tumblr. We have no idea who made it.

Normally “you ask, we answer” looks at questions found in search terms. Not today.

Instead, a friend has asked some zombie-related questions.

We answer.

What is your favourite zombie movie and why?
A difficult, difficult question. And I might give a different answer on a different day.

Night of the Living Dead is, of course, the gold standard of zombie movies. It is easily the best zombie movie out there.

However, Shaun Of The Dead is more fun. It is well made, hilarious, and — of course — full of zombies.

But the question is not about which movie is best, or which is the most fun to watch. No — it is favourite. And the leader on “favourite” has to be Re-Animator. A movie so bad, it’s good.

What is the worst zombie movie? Why should we avoid it?
This question is much easier to answer: Re-Penetrator. A pornographic remake of Re-Animator, it is simply awful.

As for why you should avoid it … it is zombie porn.

What is your favourite zombie killing weapon of choice? Why?
My zombie killing weapon of choice is the sawed-off shotgun. There is just something beautiful and magical about zombie fighting scenes with sawed-off shotguns.

What was the first zombie movie you ever saw? Is it what hooked you on all things zombie?
I can’t remember. And no. Whatever that first zombie movie was, it certainly did not get me hooked. I did not care much for zombie movies until I was in University.

Do you have some kind of zombie escape/preparation plan prepared? If so what is it?
No, I don’t. The problem is that zombies are not real. So having plan seems foolish. I should plan on more probable scenarios, like an invasion of mutant spider monkeys from Mars.

If you were making a zombie movie who would be in your ideal cast?
I have made a zombie movie — well, been in one, anyways. I’m pretty proud of it.

If you were writing a zombie movie what scene/stuff would you absolutely put in the script?
I think there needs to be a good base-jumping scene in a zombie movie. And also a zombie movie set on a submarine. These probably would not be the same movie.

If there were a zombie movie being filmed near you would you volunteer to be a zombie? Would it be worth getting covered in corn syrup/fake blood and going through make up to be in the movie?
Absolutely. Participating in the making of small films is quite exciting. It would be good to participate in a big one up close — I already feel a bit foolish about procrastinating my way out of an opportunity to be in Pirates of the Caribbean IV. Which, by the way, we are hoping finds itself with the subtitle “A New Hope”.

Joining in the “you ask, we answer” fun is now easier — as Mr. Topp can now be found on formspring! Interesting questions will make it here.

Photograph by Rachel Cobcroft

The last time we did a you ask, we answer, blow up dolls were on the menu. Apparently we are remaining close to that topic, as recent questions that led random Internet searchers to the Big Bad Blog remain sexual in nature.

In particular, we have had several people who asked the following question:

How to use a sex toy?

The answer this question, of course, is highly dependent on the sex toy in question. However, there are two answers which are usually correct.

Answer 1: Insert the sex toy into the hole you seek to have pleasured. With some sex toys, this is the only step required. Others then require repeated partial removal and re-insertion.

Answer 2: For men, a second type of common sex toy involves inserting your penis into the device. As with answer one, often repeated partial removal and re-insertion is required, but not always.

* Note 1: Some sex toys, apparently, are made to be given to your dog. The Big Bad Blog does not comment on dog sex toys, or the cleaning thereof.

** Note 2: Use of a lubricant is recommended in the above scenarios.

If you have bought a sex toy that does not seem to work with answers one and two (and/or is not meant for your pet), chances are that there is a set of instructions included with said toy. You are advised to read them, and follow them carefully. Or sloppily. The Big Bad Blog will not take responsibility for the results of sloppy sex-toy play.

For that matter, we do not take responsibility for any sex act you perform. That would just be weird. We would not want to be involved in anything weird.

A few more search terms, along the same lines, before we go:

Q: yo cock is huge?
A: Of course.

Q: fuck cat?
A: Sadly, this seems to be the name of an actual pornographic website. We will not link to that. Instead, we will link to a website called Fuck You, Cat, which is awesome.

Q: Predator fancy dress costume?
A:

Q: Nude girl on unicorn?
A:

You’re welcome.