June 4, 2012

Over the last day or so, I have been desperately trying (and failing) to catch up with my online reading. And I cannot help but notice a trend: the zombie apocalypse has begun.

I must admit to being a bit surprised — given the infection vector I predicted, London ought to have been hit first. Or maybe Toronto, given where my family was when all this started.

Instead, Florida appears to be the epicenter of the apocalypse. But with all sorts of sources posting articles with titles such as Zombie Apocalypse Continues, it is only a matter of time before we’re all affected.

And the government? Woefully underprepared.

Although they have published a guide to Zombie Apocalypse Readiness in the past, David Daigle of America’s Center for Disease Control denied any knowledge of a zombie infection in a letter to the Huffington Post:

CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms)

Dirk Brannigan may be our only hope.

April 8, 2012

Keep an eye on your brains, people. Rumour is that the dead are rising.

Photo source.
Zombie Bunnies: A how-to guide.
Found via boingboing.

July 25, 2011

Some time ago, I posited that Maggie might actually be a zombie.

The signs were there. The moaning. The attempts to eat human flesh.

Now? I’m not so sure.

The true test is whether or not her bite turns others into a zombie, and teeth have yet to break through the gums and wreak their havoc upon our lives — the only thing certain about our knowledge on this issue is that we cannot be certain.

But she has grown rather articulate for a zombie, with multiple consonant and vowel sounds that she combines in some sort of experimental type fashion.

And she’s using a fork these days. Zombies do not, to my knowledge, use a fork.

Also, there’s this:

Yes, that’s my daughter reaching into her own grandmother’s mouth in an attempt to pull out her soul. Not nice, but not very zombie-like.

So clearly she’s some kind of monster. But what?

I will continue to report on this outbreak, from its source.

January 25, 2011

Laying in bed last night, a thought suddenly occurred to me: could my daughter — my sweet, beautiful daughter — actually be a zombie? This might sound strange to you at first, particularly if you have met her, but hear me out.

Maggie exhibits several potential signs of zombie-hood. This begins with her desire to eat people.

Yes, you read that correctly. Maggie likes to eat people.

If a person is nearby, Maggie attempts to leap at them, headfirst. When successful, she then undertakes chewing on the nearest body part, be it her victim’s finger, chest, or nose.

Additionally, Maggie does not cry as many babies are wont to do. No screaming, no whining. Instead she makes vowel noises at a variety of volumes:

“Aaah.”
“Aaaaaah!”
“AAAAAAAAH!”

As a loving parent, I am inclined to believe that these are early attempts at communication. But what if these are just zombie moans coming from a Very Tiny Zombie? What if she really means “Braaaaaains!”?

This ought to be a serious concern.

Of course, there is no need to take any action against this potential zombie menace. Luckily for us — and the world — Maggie makes for a pretty poor zombie at present. She cannot yet crawl (nevermind walk or lurch), and even when she does manage to reach her target, she lacks teeth with which to devour them.

We will, of course, endeavour to determine the extent of her potential zombiism before she develops the ability to spread her curse to others.

That said, if the zombie apocalypse arrives and it has originated in east London, the following advice may save your life:

• Zombies are distracted by rabbits (and giraffes)
• Zombies find warm breast milk to be an acceptable substitute for brains

As I am likely to be the first casualty of such an apocalypse, you can thank me now.

Photo of Maggie at the top of the article is by Mr. Topp, and can be seen larger here.
Illustration at the end of the article is by Christopher Uminga, and was found at Pulp Factor.